


development, arrested

by Jo_B



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Humor, Season/Series 14 Spoilers, Season/Series 15 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:35:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29627130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jo_B/pseuds/Jo_B
Summary: “We never just find a guy when he’s sitting in the kitchen doing his taxes. He’s always gotta be right in the middle of killing someone. Isn’t that weird?”//Literally just a bunch of fourth-wall breaks, sorry in advance.
Relationships: David Rossi & Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Luke Alvez & Matt Simmons
Kudos: 11





	development, arrested

**Author's Note:**

> A couple years ago, I wrote a quick fic and called it "the stupidest thing i've ever written." this is stupider. might take it down, lol, don't know yet
> 
> An alternate title to this could very well be "jo just finished the show, so now she's just gonna roast it for a bit" (season 14/15 spoilers - I'm alternating between 14x15 and 15x02, except for the last part)
> 
> And a quick disclaimer lol, none of this is supposed to be in character or make any earthly sense, i just started picking on weird lines or situations. I have a few more rattling in my brain, so maybe more to come. Will happily take suggestions if anyone likes it lmao
> 
> sorry in advance because i'm not funny, but enjoy, maybe?

“Put your guns down and get on the ground!” Casey Pinkner’s voice reverberates through the room, sharpens as he presses his own gun to the jewelry shop owner’s head. “Now, or she’s dead.”

The moment of silence that follows is brief, but loaded: there are four visible weapons in the room, four hostages, one missing girl, one unsub who is moments away from snapping – and, it seems, only one choice that buys them some time.

Reid is the first to break. “Okay,” he concedes, loosening his grip on his weapon. “It’s okay.”

“Wait, why are we putting our guns down?” JJ murmurs, hesitant, but following his lead. They are slow, deliberate, as their guns go gently to the floor. “We’ve talked people down before in situations just like this. And weren’t we talking at the beginning of the episode about how you’re a near-perfect shot?”

“I know, I know,” he admits, voice hushed. “There’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to get a clean shot at Pinkner’s perfectly exposed head. Any ideas?”

In just a few minutes, their hands are tied with duct tape and the unsub’s gun is trained on the space in between them, as if indecisive. JJ tilts her head and whispers back.

“At this point? Shock value, probably. In about seven minutes, I’m going to tell you I’ve always loved you in a very conveniently written confession scenario. It’ll be just as uncomfortable as it sounds, totally mess with our friendship, everyone will hate it, and we’ll probably spend the next few episodes looking at each other awkwardly. Think it’ll ever be the same?”

“Maybe,” Spencer hazards a guess. “I’m the godfather to both of your kids, even though we always forget the younger one’s name. I’m guessing it’ll be okay eventually, after we get over the damage this situation does to our platonic relationship.”

JJ nods. “That sounds about right, can’t have too many consequences. You ready to have zero lines for the next few minutes?”

“You bet.”

* * *

“Just… please don’t leave me.”

His words feel so sharp, disruptive against the silence of the hospital room. JJ has never looked quite so fragile, and the weight of the last few weeks is so heavy on his shoulders. If she dies, he thinks, without ever having heard him – it’ll crush him completely.

But JJ’s eyes slide open, calm and gentle, and she grumbles, her voice rough from disuse: “Don’t worry, Spence. Killing me off at the beginning of the last season would be pretty shitty, and this isn’t Grey’s Anatomy. I’m not even sure there’s any logical medical reasoning for you to think I won’t be fine. The nurse probably just floated neurological damage to get a good monologue out of you.”

He lets out a pent up breath, tears still running down his face. His breath hitches, and he is flooded with relief. “Oh, thank God. I don’t know—I don’t know what I would do if we couldn’t have a heartfelt conversation wherein you essentially confirm that you’re capable of emotionally cheating on Will and introduce no real additional information, but we decide we’re fine right after.”

She smiles wide. “Me neither.”

Spencer sniffs and scrubs at his face with his sleeve. “Good.” He smiles. “Now close your eyes and get some sleep. I have to go talk to Will and pretend I know what he’s saying.”

* * *

Rossi’s wedding is a beautiful affair, in spite of Krystall’s every insistence that she needed no pomp and circumstance. JJ is not-so-secretly pleased that she lost that battle: after everything their team has been through, they would welcome any chance for celebration with open arms.

Krystall grins at her as she passes on her way to the bar, and JJ does not miss the adoration in Rossi’s eyes as he watches her go.

“I’m happy for you, Rossi,” she says with a grin. “And see? We told you you’d make it back in time, and here we are. One perfect night, on the books.”

“Oh, don’t say that just yet,” he warns. “With our luck? I’d rather not tempt fate.”

“Well, still. Congratulations, and _buona fortuna_ ,” she says slowly, enunciating each syllable.

Rossi beams and presses a kiss to either side of her cheek. He pulls away, and after a moment, JJ tilts her head in realization.

“Hey, where are Derek and Hotch?” she asks.

Rossi stares for a moment, confused. “Hm? What do you mean?”

“Well, this is your _wedding_ ,” she explains. “Hotch is one of your best friends, and Derek was a part of this family for over a decade. Just seems like they should be here, or at least mentioned in some capacity.”

And Rossi shrugs. “You know, you’re probably right. I’m sure they would love to be here and see everyone. But even if their actors were available and not fired, we’d probably have to do a whole scene or something to reintroduce them, and we only have a few minutes left in our runtime. _More importantly,_ Derek and Hotch aren’t in in the BAU anymore.”

A beat.

“So it’s almost like they don’t exist.”

“Ah,” JJ nods. “Essentially like a child who has yet to learn object permanence.”

“Exactly!” Rossi says. “The same reason we don’t ever mention Seaver or Alex or Kate or Stephen.”

“Do they even know you were getting married?” she asks.

“Beats me.”

* * *

“I just… don’t know who I am if I’m not waiting for a life with JJ,” he says, his throat tight. A life with JJ: a townhouse in Old Town Alexandria, right by the marina, with two or three or four kids, a pet or two, and hundreds of books lining the living room walls. When they won’t be out catching criminals, they’d be nestled together on the couch, watching movies, reading books, talking. They’d go out and sit in the grass, hand in hand, watching planes take off and touch down across the water.

It’s a damn shame, he thinks: he loves JJ. He loves Henry. He loves Michael. He loves Will. He loves Emily and Rossi and Krystall and Matt and Kristy and Luke and Derek and Savannah and Hank and Hotch and Jack and Penelope and Tara. He considers how lucky he is to have the family he has, and every part of him could swear that he wouldn’t trade any part of it for the world.

But sometimes, it sure is tempting.

Diana nods empathetically, her own life with William flashing behind her eyes. The ups, the downs, and every meal, hug, kiss, and wish in between. “I know that’s a hard thing to give up,” she says, “especially if it’s been for all this time.”

“It has,” he admits.

“Even during your relationship with Maeve?”

“Who?”

* * *

“Get in there,” he says, pushing this week’s killer down into the car with perhaps a little more force than necessary, but Matt isn’t about to call him on it. Luke throws the door shut, and there’s an air of finality behind it, but there’s only so much finality to be had when they’ll be back up on the jet next week, next month, next year – always looking for someone new.

“How’s Samantha doing?” he asks with a heavy sigh. He’d gotten the knife away from her neck at the very last second, success by the skin of his teeth, but not before the unsub made a few marks.

A few cars up, today’s would-be victim is sitting on the back of an ambulance with a shock blanket draped across her shoulders and twelve brand new sutures on her legs.

“Well, as good as you could expect,” Matt explains. The two head back to their own SUV and climb in. “Shaken up, but I think she’ll be fine. Emily’s going to take her back to the police station to see her mother.”

“That’s good, that’s good.”

They pull away, and try as they might to ignore it, there’s a question hanging in the air.

“Something on your mind?” Matt asks. The road rushes by as they pull back onto the highway.

Luke nods.

“Yeah, I’m just wondering why we never just find the unsub doing something normal. You know? Like, eighty percent of the time, it’s a hostage situation. Right? And the other twenty, we catch them and bring them in, but there’s another victim out there we need to find. It’s always something.”

A beat.

“We never just _find_ a guy when he’s sitting in the kitchen doing his taxes. He’s always gotta be right in the middle of killing someone. Isn’t that weird?”

“Normally, I’d say yes,” Matt nods in acknowledgement, eyes on the road. “Statistically, yeah, you’re right. What are the odds of _never_ catching a guy simply in fifteen years? But there’s an operative word in crime _drama,_ and a big score of dramatic music that has to be used.”

“I get it, but at some point, it gets old,” Luke admits. “Come on, you’re telling me it wouldn’t be entertaining to just kick down the door when the guy’s online shopping for holiday presents or something? Watching a movie?”

And Matt sighs. “I wish I made the rules, but I don’t. I’d love it if we didn’t have to run into dangerous situations every single case, but here we are. Maybe one of these days we’ll get an easy one, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

Luke smiles as they pull into the police station.

“One can only dream.”

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY so the "Maeve who?" bit in my head was played like the "my girlfriend, Ann" "who?" bits on Arrested Development bc nothing I do is original lmao. that one line when spencer was talking to his mom just sounded weird.
> 
> And one thing I thought was HILARIOUS was that Hulu doesn't know JJ's other kid's name either. I watch with subtitles on, and Michael said something off-screen, and Hulu just called him "Boy" 😂
> 
> Anyway, lmk if i should take this down or not lmao. i also have another idea for something less stupid but still pretty stupid, we'll see.


End file.
